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Duke to hire male interpreters for female speakers to repeat what they just said but louder

ABELE QUAD—As the class of 2024 don their gowns and prepares to toss their caps in the air, John Dawson (T ‘23, summa cum laude) noticed an irritating yet persistent sound. It was a high-pitched, mosquito-like whine interrupting the graduation ceremony. Dawson later realized the sound was the female commencement speaker, Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors. Only when Gary Bennet echoed her sentiments did Dawson register what she had said. 

This has been an ongoing problem since well before graduation day, and volunteer-based mansplaining has been the only line of defense for many Duke students. Male students report that they have been unable to attend lectures and appropriately engage with content because of the percentage of female professors on campus. 

“Like sure that’s what she said, but I’m here to say, like, what she actually means,” said ATO friend-of-house and weekend volunteer mansplainer Ned Lander (T ‘23). Advocates like Lander have long pressed the university to create on-campus resources for other men who struggle to listen to a woman’s voice for more than thirty seconds. 

Recent studies have shown holding onto an opinion for more than 48 hours without sharing it online can have short and long-term damage to a man’s health. Thus, the university has funded provisions such as emergency podcast equipment stationed around East and West campuses. This year, top university officials are discussing setting aside part of the university’s endowment for male interpreters.

Male interpreters are the first step in the right direction for the university. But will it be enough to stomp out a generation of women who want to voice their own opinions? 

CORRECTION: It has been brought to our attention that readers might be girls. This article is available for sigma translation courtesy of Hustlers’ University in podcast form, or available on Audible narrated by Jordan Peterson. For additional written resources for those who cannot understand “feminine words”, follow this link to stay up to date.



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