Duke University proposes new white rail


DURHAM, NC—In the face of mounting local criticism of Duke’s efforts to stop GoTriangle’s proposed light rail system, University officials have proposed a compromise: a new “White Rail” system connecting Duke and Durham to Chapel Hill.


The counterproposal is identical in every way to the original light rail proposal, with the notable exception that it would only drive through predominantly white neighborhoods.


“Look, we’re going to be honest.” An anonymous official commented. “We don’t want to fraternize with most Durhamites. They’re smelly, and gross. But if we have to interact with them, can they at least be white?”


The proposed “White Rail” would address many of the light rail proponents’ demands, connecting Duke with downtown Durham and UNC-Chapel and boosting the local economy, though again, it would be almost exclusively accessible to white people.


When questioned about the obvious racism inherent in the White Rail counter-proposal, a university official responded that “this proposal is actually designed to combat racism on campus. We're hoping that it will stop Tallman Trask from driving. Isn’t that what you wanted?”


At press time, Trask was seen surveying the site of a future white rail station. He was still shouting racial slurs, albeit outside a car.