DURHAM, NC—In response to the tens of students who thought it would be appropriate to sit outside masked on a 70º day, the Duke administration knew that they had to enact some form of change.
“We had tried everything”, said Provost Sally Kornbluth. “We even went around sprinkling small handfuls of pollen on students’ laptops. But nothing seemed to work.”
As more and more prospective students and their families come to visit campus, the administration knew that nothing could make people want to apply to Duke less than seeing people sitting on the quad, talking and laughing with their friends.
The new policy concerns the new white circles that a little robot named Harry painted on the five million dollar lawns of main quad. Students have been instructed that if they wish to sit outside, they must sit firmly within the circles, with no extraneous limbs peeking out. This policy is being enforced by the DUPD, who were instructed to use "deadly force" against rambunctious individuals who do not uphold the Duke Compact. “At first we told them just to have tasers at the ready”, Kornbluth said, “but since there is almost no way to tell the difference between a taser and a gun, we thought this would be the best policy for students and officers alike.”