Frat bro discovers Duke is not named after KKK Grand Wizard, demands refund over false advertising

DURHAM, NC—After a riveting drunken debate and an internet search that took 15 minutes longer than it should have, noted roofie-master Brayden Quigley Jr. (Trinity ’22) had a stunning realization. The black people around him were not, in fact, “the help.”

After coming upon this earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting realization, he reportedly ran out of the bar exclaiming that his life was a lie. Quigley would not catch a break, however, as in the coming days, he decided to investigate further into the University’s dealings. He once again went back to his ultimate weapon: Wikipedia. It was then, as he scoured the ‘History’ section, when he discovered the harrowing truth: Duke was named after some tobacco magnates with no (public) association to the KKK. In fact, Duke had removed the name of a virulent racist off campus buildings years earlier, in what he could only describe as “scandalous.”

“First,” he told the press, “I tried to rationalize it. I thought, hey, these people probably had slaves. I’m sure they were sympathetic to the cause. But then I found out one of the requirements for the Duke Endowment was that women be allowed to receive an education on equal footing with men. And then I realized that the girls I see in parties aren’t actually ‘provided by the University’ like my dad told me. I was in shambles.”

“I felt defrauded,” he continued. “It was as if the several millions of dollars my parents paid to get me in here were…wasted?”