BRYAN CENTER, NC—Following delays in the Duke University Mail room, students– specifically members of off-campus Greek organizations– have struggled to pick up important packages, ranging from medications to cocaine. As brother and head cocaine-orderer Chase Desmond of Pi Kappa Alpha described, “Our Silk Road order says it was delivered two weeks ago, but I still haven’t gotten an email from the mailroom!”
Desmond says that if the order isn’t processed soon, the IFC’s strategic blow reserves will begin to run low, with potentially devastating effects on parties as a result. “We’ll have to stick to weed and booze.”
Frats all across campus are mulling solutions to the issue, with one idea quickly emerging as the frontrunner. “We’re probably just going to start shipping stuff to the Fedex store on 9th Street,” said Desmond. “That’s where they send the roofies anyway.”
