Every day, I spend a few hours designing new playlists with subtle yet cryptic titles, such as “April Loving” or “We Met at the Beach” or “John, if you see this please text me because I am in love with you.”
And every day, I carefully and purposefully select each specific song I play, oftentimes spelling out sentences like “Some Nights I Fall Apart When The Party’s Over” or “Dear John, You Are in Love, I Know You Belong With Me–Come and Get It.” Other times, I just check your recently played and post those songs on my Instagram story. To avoid being creepy, I ensure I listen to the song for at least a week beforehand, so it looks like I discovered it independently.
When you swipe up and say you love the song I posted, I go directly into my meticulously pre-planned conversation, which, if carried out exactly as I envision each night before bed, ends in you asking me to hang out. I’m still perfecting the formula, but I think in about five crushes’ time we’ll get there. I also stalk your listening history to see how you’re feeling.
Oh, you listened to “Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright” five times on Sunday? You’re mad at your ex and it’s time to slide. Hannah looks like a cuttlefish anyways.
Blasting “Dreams?” Your long-distance relationship is wrapping up. Tell her and her five-hour time difference to get ready to have some “dreams of loneliness” of her own.
Playing “It’s Time to Go?” Enough said. You’re as good as single.
Jamming out to “I Wanna Be Your Lover” when you think no one is looking? I know you like me. And I “need your love, babe,” more than Hannah does, clearly.
So why haven’t you asked me out yet? It’s honestly rude that you haven’t said anything to me. I know you want me. I’m free this Saturday—oh, you’re listening to Chris Brown? Never mind. Time to break out “All Too Well.”