CHAPEL HILL, NC—On Wednesday, September 23, 2021, Father Scott O’McSullihan received a surprise guest at confession at local parish, Our Lady of Perpetual Misery. That surprise guest? None other than The Lord Himself.. He came with quite the confession as well. He’s planning a flood just up 15-501.
Reports O’McSullihan, “I was just chilling in the booth and all of a sudden it just got really cold.” He continues that he looked up to the sky and saw God in a hoodie and Ray-Ban sunglasses, as disguised as God can be. Father O’McSullihan quotes God as saying “I fucked up big time man.” What was His big mistake? Chapel Hill.
“Have you seen that place? All the kids I half-ass during creation end up in CaRoLiNa BlUe, whatever that is. They have a collective IQ of 10 and more of them know the words to ‘Body’ by Megan Thee Stallion than the Apostle’s Creed. I know I said no more floods or whatever, but that place has to go.”
When asked for comment, UNC’s resident Calvinist, Jean DeBapiste said “God has a plan for everything. This one just blows chunks.”
President of the Duke Jewish Alliance, Isabella Sanchez noted that this is proof that God hears our prayers. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve had my doubts about his existence over time, but today that has subsided like the waters of the Red Sea. I am forever indebted to Him.”
President Price was asked for a comment on the situation to which he responded, “Who’s God? Does he donate to the University?” When he was told who The Holy Spirit was, he replied that he only believed in one true Coach Krzyewski.
The flood is planned for mid-November so that people will properly be able to give thanks to God for this deed over Thanksgiving dinner.