Worried about the guy you just started seeing? If he exhibits any of these warning signs, be sure to give that new relations a second pause.
1. His favorite band is the CHAINSMOKERS
Arguably the worst band of all time. No human being should proudly proclaim that the disaster duo that brought us “Let Me Take a Selfie '' and Halsey’s incessant droning on “Closer” is their preferred music of choice. Your sex playlists will be dominated by GarageBand beats almost as disappointing as the dick you’re receiving.
2. He refers to people as boss
Nothing is more demeaning than a 5’11 man (who swears he’s 6’0) referring to you as boss when you do a task for him. He says “thanks boss” to every fast food worker, security guard, janitor, and even his mother. Legitimately, what is wrong with this dude?
3. He has a Four Loko sign hanging above his bed
This man can’t just blackout from vodka like everyone else, no, he has to drink like he’s still a junior in high school using a fake ID at the local 7/11. He shotgunned three Four Lokos in the span of 24 hours his freshman year at beach week and he’s proud. He doesn’t understand how the smell repulses you, and asserts that “gold is the best flavor, I promise”.
4. He considers Vineyard Vines fashionable
He thinks that wearing sweaters makes him look “kinda gay”, so he instead relies on long sleeve whale shirts to keep him warm. He doesn’t get what you mean when you say he looks douchey, and asks you which pair of Sperry's he should wear today.
5. He’s from the “bay area”
Like, what does that even mean? You know he lives 45 minutes south of San Francisco in a town you’ve never heard of, smelling of white privilege and weed delivered by Uber. This phrase is synonymous with “I never worked a day in my life and see black people as dangerous”.
6. He doesn’t eat breakfast
What kind of freak show doesn’t eat breakfast? He pounds a red bull and two unprescribed Adderall and calls it a meal. You’ll never be able to find anything to eat in the mornings when you’re rummaging through the frat house kitchen.
7. He voted for Mike Bloomberg
He swears he’s liberal, but isn’t a commie like those “snowflakes at UC Berkeley”. He can excuse stop and frisk and various sexual assault allegations if Bloomberg’s wealthy, because he obviously did something right.
But, like, of course you’re going to date him anyway.