DURHAM, NC—In response to questions and concerns about Duke’s new Quad-Ex system from both students and faculty, HRL recently sent out an email to clarify how the new residential system will work. According to HRL, the system will be “Just like living in Hogwarts” except for “literally everything that would be cool about actually going to Hogwarts.”
The email goes on to state, “You know how there’s a magical sorting hat in Harry Potter that decides which house would fit you based on a deep analysis of your personality and psychology? Well, just replace ‘sorting hat’ with ‘my assistant’ and replace ‘a deep analysis of your personality and psychology’ with ‘whatever color my nephew decided to dye his hair today.’ We’ll also have plenty of inter-quad competition. Sure we don’t have Quidditch, but which sounds more fun, flying on a broomstick at fifty miles an hour, or MCU trivia night? Nervous gulp.” Yes, the email actually included the phrase “nervous gulp”. The email continues, “We understand that this is going to be a big change for the student body, and of course there won’t be literal magic involved, but this system will provide something just as good: the magic of friendship. I sure wish I had that back in college! I mean... um...” The email ends there.
HRL later stated that in order to fully recreate the Harry Potter experience, they have contracted Brian Landry to murder two random Duke parents and carve a lightning bolt in their child’s forehead.
