DURHAM, NC––In an effort to fundraise for the 2024 midterm, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi promised to reveal a “teensy bit” of information pertinent to future Wall Street movements to the first 20 donors of her campaign.
Yesterday many phones buzzed on campus with an alarming Gmail notification. According to several reports, the concerning subject line (“I’m killing myself if you don’t listen this time”) confused students until they realized they had just received another fundraising email from Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
However, this recent email took a slightly different approach. Pelosi, whose estimated net worth is upwards of $135 million, offered readers exclusive stock market tips in exchange for being one of her next 20 donors.
“I’m absolutely, mind-numbingly, earth-shatteringly devastated you haven’t chipped in to save our country from crumbling into dust. Do you not understand that this is all up to you????” a 22-year-old intern wrote in the email.
“I’m at my wits’ end. I’m utterly hopeless. That’s why I’m pulling out my last resort.
If you are one of my next 20 donors, you will be emailed a discreet PDF entitled ‘Pelosi’s Pointers’ with which you may do as you please.”