DURHAM, N.C.—In a campus-wide email on Wednesday, Duke President Vincent Price acknowledged the emotional toil finals put upon students and graciously provided a solution: For finals week only, Price has offered to gently lick away student tears.
The reaction to the email was immediate, with some students saying it made them cry more, while others with sensitive skin wondered just how soft the licks would be.
Katherine Cole (Trinity ‘25) voiced both support and concern for the initiative, stating “I’m okay with him licking my face, but I hope he doesn’t try to lick the tears directly from my eye.” When asked to clarify, Cole asserted “Vincent Price cannot lick my eyeball.”
Students with allergies voiced concerns that Price’s diet may result in anaphylaxis; they were told that the Duke President doesn’t eat peanuts out of compliance with the Nut Free Campus campaign and that no other allergies exist so students shouldn’t worry.
When asked why his solution to the stress of finals was to drink student tears, Price justified his solution, saying, “Everyone’s tired of puppies and food during finals. These kiddos crave closeness and intimacy. That’s something I can provide. Plus, I like it.”
Shortly following his initial email, Price sent a follow-up announcement addressed to “fans” who were “disappointed” that the tear-licking would only last a week. In the announcement, Price divulged that due to extreme interest, he would be open to continuing the practice during midterms as well. He also admitted, “I got used to licking the sweat off Riley’s face, so this is the sodium replacement I’ve been looking for.”