LONDON, UK—After leading the British government for seven decades, Queen Elizabeth II’s passing has left some enormous shoes to fill. Not only will her successor have to choose floral arrangements for the next royal wedding, but he will have to take innumerable awkward pictures with other world leaders. With the odds of finding the right person for the job plummeting, Indian leaders, in all their benevolence, have chosen to guide Britain through this crisis of leadership.
“We are sending troops into the UK immediately,” says Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, “it will be tough to stabilize such a chaotic and uncivilized society, but that is the Indian Man’s Burden.”
India will guide Britain through these hard times, assisting them with tough tasks like resource management and dental hygiene.
According to Prime Minister Modi, “Yes, we will be taking their assets, but only so that we can show the British how to manage them. We might not be able to give them back, because we’ll be too busy demonstrating how to manage them, but they’ll be able to learn so much from our sophisticated, stable nation.”
This reporter, for one, prays that India can help lead a third rate power–I mean country–in such a politically volatile state.