WASHINGTON, DC—Vice President Kamala Harris claimed last week she is the latest in a line of government officials to have classified government documents stored in many of her private residences. The Vice President’s claim did not prompt an FBI search immediately, but the FBI reportedly did so after VP Harris slipped an unidentified FBI agent a $100 dollar bill and a note reading “please, I need this.”
FBI agents reported no evidence of classified documents in VP Harris’ home. Instead, they reported the presence of several notepads, many of which were riddled with doodles. “It was full of that weird S middle schoolers draw,” added an agent who requested to remain anonymous. “And the phrase, “I’m pretending to write something down, I’m pretending to write something down” was repeated hundreds of times. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Additionally, the agents found what appeared to be a 732-page draft of a novel featuring the character “Kimberly Harmon,” an easily-amused politician who is extremely respected and rises through the ranks of her political party, beating a very specific grandpa-on-porch type rival and assuming the Presidency, where she enacts a nationwide ban on marijuana. A brief internet search revealed that the novel was being incrementally released on the fanfiction website “Archive of Our Own.”
VP Harris held a press conference following the FBI investigation, where she claimed that the absence of any classified documents was “absurd, slanderous, and irredeemably false.”
“America, I want to ask you. Do we as a country believe that a person like Mike Pence would be given classified information, but I, Kamala Harris, wouldn’t? You have to believe me, I have the nuclear code document thing. Honestly, I mean, how would he, of all people, have access? Like do they give you a special badge? Or card? Is it shiny?”
The Vice President also addressed the issue of the unpublished novel found at her residence. “You know, my stepdaughter taught me about something called manifestation,” she said, before letting out a boisterous laugh and evading any follow-up questions.
Political analyst Jamie Kim stated Harris is unique in that no Russian or Chinese operatives have ever tried to contact her for information on the United States government. “They know it’s ultimately not worth it—everyone understands there’s no potential payoff there.”
A spokesperson for President Biden responded, “Wait, who?” when asked for a comment.