DURHAM, NC—In a press release that we only read because we had to, the Ciceronian Society expressed opposition to the widely observed “holi-month.”
The statement read as follows: “It is greatly disheartening to see how many Americans have been victimized by ‘No Nut November.’ Our Founding Fathers believed that any one should be able to eject their semen whenever they wanted. If they had not then they would not have written it into the Constitution in the form of the 1st, 3rd, and 6th amendments. To restrict cum to 11 months out of the year is to restrict life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to 11 months out of the year.”
The timing of the statement was as expected, as the build up of pressure in the societal balls had become almost overwhelming. It was only a matter of time before the self-proclaimed Campus Liberty Czars spoke out on this, especially considering their prior history of “defending democracy.” These causes include Breast Cancer Awareness Month (“We should be allowed to be aware of any cancer we want to as Americans”), Holy Week (“We, free Americans, should be allowed to misinterpret and disrespect the word of God on any week of the year that we so chose”), and, of course, Toyotathon (“As American Citizens, we should be free to buy whatever car we want without corporate pressure, especially from a Japanese company”).
Says Rand Paul, “I am proud of these kids. They have stood up for some of our most seminal rights. The future of July babies is bright.” No one is really sure why Rand Paul chose to comment on this situation, as he was not asked to comment.
The Ciceronian Society has also received support from the Durham Sperm Bank, which recently has struggled due to a lack of donors.