DURHAM,NC—What could’ve been a tragic event for Michael Whitney last Wednesday night was luckily stopped short by his friend and roommate Isaac Clifford. Whitney was enjoying a nice ham sandwich as he does every Wednesday night when he accidentally bit off more than he could chew, causing him to choke on the sandwich. Clifford contemplated the situation for a minute before rushing to his bedroom, praying to the no-homo gods for several minutes, and putting the nearest pair of socks he could find on Whitney’s feet before giving him mouth-to-mouth.
Clifford commented, saying, “As soon as I saw him put his hands around his throat, I knew this was going to be trouble. I though ‘Fuck. Am I gonna have to give him mouth-to-mouth?’ I mean, I don’t have anything against dude’s kissing dude’s and all that. It’s just like, you know. I spent a couple minutes googling ‘can you still give mouth-to-mouth through a thick towel?’ Then, he hit the ground and started foaming at the mouth, so I figured I’d have to risk it.”
Whitney gave a similar recounting of events, also adding that after Clifford resuscitated him, they “engaged in passionate lovemaking for several hours after.”