Washington, DC—After four days of waiting, former Vice President Joe Biden has officially surpassed the 270 electoral vote threshold to win the Presidency, defeating Trump in the key states of Pennsylvania, Nevada, and potentially Georgia.
Currently, Biden, Harris, and the rest of the Biden administrative team are hard at work crafting their presidential transition plan. While the most pressing issue facing the team is certainly the removal of the angry orange babyman, another key issue to resolve looms large: Who will make sure Ol’ Joe didn’t kick the bucket during his sleep?
The transition team is frantically sorting through a list of qualified candidates for this new Cabinet position: Secretary of Sleep. Whoever fulfills this crucial role must remain vigilant each and every night, checking to see if the President has passed away in his tender, elderly sleep.
An insider source has informed us that a short list for the Secretary of Sleep is already being formed. Former Democratic Presidential candidate and local gay, Pete Buttigieg is rumoured to be at the top of the list due to his extremely young age of 38 years. Another front runner is Tulsi Gabbard, a woman who we think ran for the democratic nomination probably. Finally, Kyle, the 17 year-old cousin of one of the top Biden staffers, is being strongly considered due to his severe addiction to Monster energy drinks that physically prevent him from sleeping.
Finally, we ask you, the reader, to please not share any of this information on any social media platform, as the team is trying desperately to prevent Biden from learning of this new role, as it could hurt his feelings and thus cause a fatal heart attack.