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Opinion: Keep choking sea turtles with plastic because they too have sexual urges

DURHAM, NC—Amidst the recent fight to save sea turtles from plastic pollution, I dare ask this: have you asked the sea turtles if they needed to be saved in the first place? Did you consider that maybe they don’t dislike plastic… maybe, just maybe, they might actually enjoy having those long protruding plastic straws shoving down into their throat? Have you ever considered that just maybe... they find it hot?

No, you haven’t. That’s why I’m here to speak up for the voiceless sea turtles.

(Editor’s note: the writer meant it figuratively, but the literal interpretation that the sea turtles have lost their voices because their throats were sore from choking on plastic straws can also be applied)

If there is one thing to take away from my years living with the flotilla of sea turtles at SeaWorld, it is this: sea turtles are incredibly horny. When they ran out of mates, the sea turtles would often suck on littered plastic straws until they’ve filled their sadomasochistic desire. Their favorite, as I observed, are BigGulp straws that still has residues of a thick, white mixture of saliva and milkshake. Just like humans, sea turtles derive great sexual pleasure from a suffocating sensation and the thought of being dominated.

So the next time you flex your savior complex and try to speak for a marginalized group you’re not in, how about you check your human privileges? And while we’re on this note, why don’t you stop fighting against poaching elephant tusks or rhino horns? Have you considered the fact that those tusks or horns make it really hard for these beautiful creatures to have fulfilling oral sex?



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