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    Things are going too well: A quick guide to self-sabotage
    The Fluke News Staff
    • a day ago
    • 2 min

    Things are going too well: A quick guide to self-sabotage

    Okay, imagine this. You’re chilling on TikTok and suddenly, you sense it. Something’s different. Something’s… wrong? Let me let you in on...
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    Op-ed: I don’t think I should have gotten a B+ on the midterm essay
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 22, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: I don’t think I should have gotten a B+ on the midterm essay

    Now that we’ve all gotten our Philosophy 201 midterm essays back, I think it’s important to tackle a serious issue: my grade. While I app...
    0 comments
    Op-ed: Let's just replace the election with a “No judgement, just curious: Biden or Trump” IG poll
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 22, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: Let's just replace the election with a “No judgement, just curious: Biden or Trump” IG poll

    Let’s be honest: this is getting ridiculous. First I had to fill out the registration form, then I had to have the girl from Keohane 4D m...
    0 comments
    Op-ed: Masks don’t protect us, our troops do
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Oct 9, 2020
    • 2 min

    Op-ed: Masks don’t protect us, our troops do

    It’s time we get real: masks do not protect us. They are flimsy little pieces of cloth that cannot even remotely compare to a US Army sol...
    0 comments
    Joe Biden: Not bi enough
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Sep 22, 2020
    • 1 min

    Joe Biden: Not bi enough

    Durham, NC — When Bernie Sanders first suspended his presidential campaign, the Fluke News was overwhelmed with excitement at the possibi...
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    UNC: Not that safe for a safety school
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Aug 26, 2020
    • 1 min

    UNC: Not that safe for a safety school

    CHAPEL HILL, NC—In a shocking turn of events, after testing no students and refusing to enforce coronavirus guidelines, the University of...
    0 comments
    Op-Ed: Wait, they're deporting white students too?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Jul 11, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-Ed: Wait, they're deporting white students too?

    When I first heard that ICE is planning to deport international students who are not taking in-person classes this Fall, I was unaffected...
    0 comments
    Long distance hack: Break up
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Jul 1, 2020
    • 2 min

    Long distance hack: Break up

    LAS VEGAS, NV—So it’s been three months since you saw your boyfriend. You were madly in love in March, of course, except for when he stoo...
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    Op-ed: What's the point of Duke if I can't have massive orgies?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Jun 11, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: What's the point of Duke if I can't have massive orgies?

    DURHAM, NC—As Duke announces its plans to bring students to campus amidst the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic, all students should question ...
    0 comments
    Help: I’m horny in my childhood bedroom
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 7, 2020
    • 2 min

    Help: I’m horny in my childhood bedroom

    MY HOMETOWN—As I spend another day scrolling through TikTok only to see yet another shirtless seventeen-year-old lick his fingers and jab...
    0 comments
    Tips to stay sane while social distancing
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 1, 2020
    • 2 min

    Tips to stay sane while social distancing

    It’s been days since you’ve gotten back to your parents house, and there’s only so many times you can argue with them about Bernie Sander...
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    Open letter to Piazza: What part of “no emails” do you not fucking get?
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Apr 1, 2020
    • 1 min

    Open letter to Piazza: What part of “no emails” do you not fucking get?

    DURHAM, NC—As classes have made their transition to the online format, many professors have turned to Piazza as a way of answering studen...
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    Op-ed: My dad's been practicing social distancing since I was born
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Mar 26, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: My dad's been practicing social distancing since I was born

    NY, NY—Yes, I live in New York. No, I don’t have COVID-19. And my family has long been ready for this outbreak: my father—aware of the de...
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    Op-ed: My biggest takeaway from spring break was herpes
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Mar 26, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: My biggest takeaway from spring break was herpes

    PALM BEACH, FL—Most college students see spring break as nothing more than a week to get trashed and fuck around, but not me. For me, it’...
    0 comments
    Op-ed: Just because we made eye contact doesn't mean I want a conversation
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 25, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: Just because we made eye contact doesn't mean I want a conversation

    DURHAM, NC–Are we O-week friends? Are we in a class together and have never had a real interaction? Are all of our interactions as excruc...
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    Op-ed: My major gives me depression and that's why I'm superior
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 18, 2020
    • 1 min

    Op-ed: My major gives me depression and that's why I'm superior

    PHYSICS BUILDING—Are you spending your weekends stressing over problem sets or midterms where the class average is a 50%? If not, move as...
    0 comments
    Opinion: Troy Bolton shouldn't be allowed to speak on campus
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 17, 2020
    • 1 min

    Opinion: Troy Bolton shouldn't be allowed to speak on campus

    DURHAM, NC — Guys, it’s time to get our heads in the game. Under absolutely no circumstances should we let Troy Bolton on this campus. We...
    0 comments
    The Fluke News endorses Klobuchar and Warren for YT
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Feb 10, 2020
    • 2 min

    The Fluke News endorses Klobuchar and Warren for YT

    Duke’s student voters must choose between four sharply divergent visions of the future. The Young Trustee selection contest is often port...
    0 comments
    Thanks-awkward! My girlfriend is a turkey
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 28, 2019
    • 1 min

    Thanks-awkward! My girlfriend is a turkey

    Yes, mom, my girlfriend is a turkey today. Is that so wrong? Why can’t she just dress in a thematically appropriate way for our dinner? H...
    0 comments
    Opinion: Enough leaning in. Let's tell men to lean out. Of windows.
    The Fluke News Staff
    • Nov 21, 2019
    • 1 min

    Opinion: Enough leaning in. Let's tell men to lean out. Of windows.

    DURHAM, NC— The recent New York Times article asking men to “lean out” and reflect on their responsibility in pushing for gender equality...
    0 comments
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