Paranormal occurrences: Three blonde men in one room

DURHAM, N.C.—Halloween may be over, but you can still find proof that spirits wander the Earth. Just recently, three blonde men were spotted in the same room, begging the question, just how active are the paranormal on Duke’s campus? 

Katherine Shirley (T ’24) commented on the blonde man situation: “I thought they knew to keep themselves hidden away, especially during trying times like these, but I guess this proves that you can never trust a man to follow directions.” 

Shirley was especially surprised when a blonde man showed up for the Psych 253 midterm. “He said he had been in the class for the entire semester, so I guess he had just recently become opaque.”

However, blonde man advocates are cropping up across campus. Todd Cobb (T ’22) returned to campus after a gap year in California to start a blonde man alliance as part of his Philosophy Ph.D. program. “It’s time to rebrand blonde men from paranormal (demeaning) to special (empowering). We are here, we have luscious locks,* and we are proud.” Cobb hopes to unite all campusblonde men in order to facilitate strength in numbers. “The surfers, the Northern Europeans, the skaters… We accept all naturally blonde men into our alliance.” However, he wishes to make it known that bleach blondes are not considered part of the community. “I hate those posers.**” 

What’s next for blonde men? Cobb says that they plan on morphing into one massive, quasi-buff entity and destroying Duke’s campus like Godzilla.

*Author’s note: for now

**The rest of Cobb’s quote has been censored