DURHAM, NC—After a casual hookup in a twin bed with blue plaid sheets listening to a man compare the female orgasm to Plato’s The Republic, freshman Phoebe Davis decided she was ready for a change. “I was initially attracted to the way he would call me ‘Lolita’ and read me The Communist Manifesto out loud after sex,” she said. “But unlike instruments of production and distribution, one orgasm cannot be communal property.” Davis went on to describe how he would have to listen to audiobooks of Hegel in its original German to turn him on, and how when he finished, he would scream out, “Man is condemned to be free.”
When asked to comment on his relationship with Phoebe, senior Scott Brown remarked that Phoebe simply wasn’t like other girls. “She really gets me, ya know,” he said. “She doesn’t care about material things or that I don’t have a bed frame like my fugly ex. She’s a true philosopher.”
Armed with a sunny disposition and an arsenal of Sarte quotes, Davis is looking to the future, and she claims to be pursuing a new man. “He’s majoring in finance and is in Pi Kap,” she states. “But on the bright side, at least he’ll kick me out immediately after sex.”
