DURHAM, NC—Wednesday night certainly did not go as expected for Duke freshmen Todd Edwards and Thalia Stein. As the freshmen couple attended the event they thought was going to be an uneventful evening of text-banking potential voters, it quickly turned into a night that they will never forget.
“It was the most surreal experience of my life,” commented Thalia, staring off blankly into the distance. After pausing in silence for three straight minutes—presumably reliving her passionate sexual exploits of the night—Thalia continued, “I witnessed things that I didn't even think were humanly possible. I never knew the body could bend to that extreme of a degree…”
Before the evening of hour-long corporal entanglement, Todd identified as heterosexual. “I thought I was straight,” he remarked, “but after that night of interminable fornication, to be honest, I’m not so sure anymore. I did things that expanded my carnal knowledge to its outermost limits. I’m not the same anymore, and I...don’t think I will ever be the same again.”
When asked to describe what actually occurred, the lovebirds proceeded to explain—in graphic detail—every sexual act they experienced and participated in*. They spoke for two hours, forty-eight minutes straight without stopping, not blinking even once. Todd often paused to slowly and sensually caress the air, asummedly reliving the tender caresses he felt from his many, many lovers that night.
Looking forward, Edwards is excited to attend his first Blue Devils United meeting, assuming it to be a campus political organization for uniting Duke Democrats and Republicans.
“Politics are far too polarized today,” he added. “Which is why I want to promote love instead of hate.”
*Editor’s Note: the details of their account cannot be legally described here due to their extremely graphic nature.