HARRISBURG, PA — As the election rapidly approaches, countless reports have emerged of toddlers escaping the grasps of their parents and traveling to Pennsylvania, Georgia, and North Carolina.
On October 16, five-year old Ellie Shin was reported missing from her home in rural Cedar Hill, VA. Four days later, she was found just outside of Harrisburg, PA at a local school. She was on the swingset. This is just one of over 100 cases of children aged 3-6 running (or waddling) away to key battleground states, to be later recovered on play structures.
“My mommy kept talking about Wisconsin and the swings there,” said five-year old Abigail Warren, who was found earlier this month in Milwaukee, over 200 miles from her home in Northern Indiana. “She lied about it being purple though,” Warren added. Warren’s mother elected not to comment. On the other side of the country, Blake Balit was found just outside of Tempe in Arizona last week after his father told him it was a toss-up state. Balit claimed to be fond of what he described as “uppies” which motivated his departure from his Texas home.
The mass movement of toddlers has been historic, but not unheard of. Four years ago, a similar situation unfolded with the Marines being deployed to Georgia to combat the political violence and toddler-inspired food fights amidst the state’s designation as a “battleground” state.
Regardless of the precedent, these toddlers have posed a serious threat to state borders. To combat the ongoing crisis, Congress has passed a bipartisan infrastructure bill which has created new incentives for young parents to install playgrounds in their backyards. This will condition children to climb the corporate ladder from a young age.
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