ORLANDO, FL—In his first public remarks since moving to Florida, Trump spoke at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. The conference is a well-known opportunity for potential conservatives to announce their runs and gain support from the like-minded crowd. This being said, Trump’s allude to a third run was unprecedented and, for us at the Fluke, quite unexpected. It will be something never seen before. So, while the world holds its breath in anticipation for this upcoming race, The Fluke is here to predict his mile time.
The speech left us with a few things to consider while determining a fair estimate for his time. Trump made demands for "getting the schools open”, leaving us to assume he lacks access to a track and is searching for a COVID safe place to train. And apparently, he won't be making this run which he is calling the “presidential run” (weird but okay) until 2024, so he has an abundance of time to build up endurance.
After long debates and consultations with highly regarded individuals in the running world (the sixth and ninth fastest males on the cross country club team), a time of 51 minutes was decided upon for what we expect to be Trump’s fastest mile ever. This will allow for plenty of time to incite a riot, degrade a woman, and make a racist comment or two.
We also predict nearing the end of the run—while well behind his opponents and still not quite to the finish line—he will claim victory. Then, he will also decline to attend the medal ceremony, probably. Just a hunch. And then he will whine about how he won and his mile time was inaccurate and false. Maybe.
Well, probably.
