WASHINGTON, D.C—“It’s really not so bad,” former President Donald Trump bravely asserts as his electric shock collar is activated by Stormy Daniels. “I’ve taken worse for this country.”
“He loves this stuff,” confides Daniels, rolling her eyes as the politician reclines on his double king-size mattress, wearing naught but a silken bathrobe, a diaper, and the aforementioned collar. “It’s tedious for me to keep shocking him, but I get paid a hundred thousand bucks per buzz. Not bad.” She gives the remote control another tap, and Trump’s limbs extend convulsively, the shortest of the lot threatening to loosen its diaper containment.
The bedside telephone rings, interrupting Trump’s democratic duties. He picks it up and, after listening for a moment, slams it back down.
“Goddamn CIA trying to charge me again,” he mutters. “That’s what I got Stormy for. Give me another jolt, hot stuff.”
Trump claims that the electric treatment aids in fluffing his famously voluminous hair, making each follicle stand directly on end, as if at attention (much like his insurrectionists). He also swears by the health benefits of the pulses, which allegedly “energize” him into “political” action. “Raises this red-blooded American flagpole right up,” he says, motioning to the contents of his diaper. Loyal citizens across the nation can sleep easily knowing that their beloved leader is taking his charges with dignity and grace.