Voting by carrier pigeon: A bi-partisan solution

Durham, NC—Pigeons do not care about your politics. In fact, the latest New York Times poll disclosed that 0% of all pigeons were registered with a political party. These findings, though shocking, reveal a solution to our country’s mail-in ballot dilemma: voting by carrier pigeon.


Pigeons are the perfect group to entrust with the sanctity of our Democracy. They have nothing to lose or gain from the United States election: they understand bread crumb production in the U.S. has little to do with the coming-and-goings of presidents.


And they’re perfect secret keepers. Each person’s right to vote privately will be protected. Seriously, try forcing a pigeon to disclose confidential information. It’s nearly impossible. They’re ironclad.


This is the ultimate fix for our democracy. This is what our founders would have wanted. So please, this election cycle, vote by carrier pigeon.