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A Candid Interview with an Air Force 1

THE BARN—Fluke Investigative contributor Cameron Jruikshonk met with one of the top Duke Forces, Mr. Eugene Forty, in this special report.

Jruikshonk: Thank you for coming in on such short notice. I heard you met with the Chapel Hill Forces on Last Week Tonight, so thank you for taking the time.

Forty: No problem!

Jruikshonk: I understand, you know, at this inflection point in the semester, you’re very busy.

Forty: Well, you know, it’s my job.

Jruikshonk: To begin—tell me where this all started, really?

Forty: Well, I started my experience here at Duke, originally in a cardboard box shipped from New York. First frat party, I mean—my wearer was a freshman and pretty hot, apparently.

Jruikshonk: That’s what I’ve heard.

Forty: So, I think she hooked up with some senior guy. Honestly, seeing the vicissitudes of the frat basement prepared me for the arena I was destined to step into. Prepared me for my job here.

Jruikshonk: Yes. I mean, not to be overly laudative, but in your career, it says that you’ve been hit with the bleach toothbrush THREE times. Those are record numbers.

Forty: You flatter me.

Jruikshonk: I consulted with the Forces of NPR and they corroborate your story, about how you rose from sticky basements to now—maybe even Kim Cates’ cage.

Forty: Thank you. You know, it’s hard to thread the needle on these things, but I consider my job in this collegiate experience vital to the economy. It’s not a great job, but I get to see things how they really are.

Jruikshonk: Absolutely—frankly, my previous 72 questions with a Golden Goose™ from USC didn’t seem to be as honest.

Forty: Now, Gooses™ are my friends, but the reality is, when you’re going out—are you really going to put the Goose™ to get loose? Maybe, if it’s a nice night, or your Daddy owns a building, anyway.

I’m the more practical of the sneaker solutions.

But again, nothing but respect for the Golden Goose™ community. Also the Van™ Riders and, lest I forget, the Converse™ Crew.

Different types of crowds, but, essential work, nonetheless.

Jruikshonk: Yeah, no, that’s fantastic. I hope I didn’t step out of bounds with the Goose™ commentary—

Forty: Okay, well, you’re not offending the sneaker community, I wouldn’t say. We get stomped on daily by drunken assholes who don’t watch their step. We’re tough.

Jruikshonk: Of course!

Forty: of course.



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