A capella member lacks pep on stage, later lacks heartbeat

DURHAM, NC—Duke’s a capella groups are known for their jaunty demeanors, out-of-date medleys, and now, attempted murder. The “Note Takers and Makers,” one of thirty-four a cappella groups on Duke’s campus, is in dissonance after a whistleblower has come forward claiming the cardiac arrest suffered by member Daniel Dapper (Trinity ‘25) wasn’t an accident.


The informant cheerfully agreed to an interview, although he did stipulate that his quotes were to be read to the tune of “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, his “favorite piece of musical lyricism.”


“The boys were mad at Daniel for not performing as many jaunty elbow pokes as we had choreographed. At times his smile showed only eighteen rather than the mandatory twenty-three teeth. His glumness just struck the wrong chord with us,” lamented the disappointed a capeller. At this point in his testimony, the informant cracked his neck in understandable preparation for Shaggy’s fast paced tempo.


“When some of the guys saw Daniel trudging alone to Pegram, they accosted his ears with a series of egregious notes that they knew would literally break his music-loving heart.” Daniel’s mother also says that her son had previously undergone a triple bypass surgery that weakened his resistance to sudden loud noises. When satisfied with his performance, the informant claimed “it wasn’t me” with a smirk before frolicking back to Craven.


Timothy Tune, freshman member of a rival a capella group, describes the moment he and his posse jumped into action. “Someone hummed the first note to ‘Staying Alive’ and we started performing CPR,” proclaimed Tune excitedly. “Once we heard Daniel’s ribs cracking, we incorporated ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ into the mix. He started breathing around the second verse, but we continued compressions until the end of the mashup because the show had to go on.”


Daniel Dapper, who is currently in recovery, feels optimistic that those behind his attack will pay. “They’re saying they're innocent now,” he rasped “but when it’s time to really face the music, they’ll be singing a different tune.”




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