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Admitted students, choose Duke! We have the best basketb—never mind

Well maybe not this year, but at least we are a top 10 univers—never mind.

Screw the rankings, everyone knows they’re just elitist bullshit. What makes Duke truly special isn’t our ranking, but our community. Being a blue devil means you genuinely care about and value your peers—wait, never mind.

Whatever! Maybe some students are assholes, but that’s true at any university. Anyways, I’m proud to say that at Duke, students of color are actually respec—never mind.

Okay, that’s awkward, but at least at an institutional level, we are anti-racis—nevermind.

Fine, FINE! Duke has its problems and shortcomings, but at least it has a really funny satire publication called The Fl— never mind. Actually, you know what, forget I said anything. Go to UNC.



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