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Anxious cannibal wants to bite your nails

BETHLEHEM, PA—Our world seems to be in constant chaos. Wars, fires, floods, coups; the news cycle feeds us tragedy after tragedy. For different people, this has had varying effects. Some have decided to cope through developing new hobbies, with needles and yarn flying off the shelves of local Michael’s stores across the country. Others have chosen to isolate themselves in their rooms, protected from the scary, scary world beyond the door. For one man, though, the state of the world has had him extremely anxious.


Joey Calder is known in his neighborhood for his alternative dietary preferences. Instead of a hearty t-bone steak or a juicy pork tenderloin, Calder prefers the texture of tender human meat. Even with these urges, with so many ongoing conflicts, though, he has found himself eating less. To ease his nerves, Calder has taken to nibbling on nails. The irresistible kick of keratin has been pacifying, yet with such short nails, and such large cravings, Calder has been forced to turn to others to help placate his ever-present feelings of anxiety.


Thinking about it, it’s not that big of an ask. I mean, nails are not that attached to you. It’s not like he wants to eat your fingers as a side course. He might. That would be a later talk. In any case, it’s just a little nibble. No harm really. Imagine what life must be like for him, how isolating it must feel for him to be cast to the outskirts of society just for what he eats. Only a monster would feel no remorse for the poor man. He just wants a way to calm his nerves. You don’t have to decide now. Just a little food for thought.



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