The Fluke News Staff
Bitter Long Distance Partner Thumbs Up "I love you" Message
DURHAM, NC—A lonely night in Duke University’s Few Quad just got lonelier as sophomore Jessica Parker (Trinity ‘25) received a frigid...
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The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 2 min
Short Friends are the New Lap Dogs: How to Get One and Keep Them Happy
DURHAM, NC—As the leaves fall, temperatures drop, and Christian Girl Autumn fits are liberated from the closet, people are flocking to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Local dead woman worries her murder wasn’t podcast-worthy
NEW YORK, N.Y.—This past week, 26-year-old Amaya Jacobs was found murdered in a less-gentrified part of the city. Police say the suspect...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
SNU to look at familial assets instead of bands for party access
HAMPTONS, NY—Each blossoming school year brings with it the sweet promise of a more refined Duke. For SNU President William McKinsey,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 7, 2022
- 2 min
Elephant really tired of being only one addressed in the room
PERKINS LIBRARY—For a student, becoming an elephant may seem advantageous, what with the personal trunk and ability to never forget. But...
The Fluke News Staff
- Oct 7, 2022
- 1 min
Fraternity vows to reach carbon neutrality in response to hurricane canceling darty
DURHAM, NC––Hurricane Ian recently swept its way up the East coast, wrecking houses, property and people. The aforementioned victims,...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 13, 2022
- 1 min
Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon
THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
“Only in New York” says person who’s lived in New York for two days
NEW YORK, N.Y.—After witnessing a homeless man politely asking for spare change—a common occurrence in any populated area of the United...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 11, 2022
- 1 min
"For $200, I'll paint my nails," says man who's very comfortable with his masculinity
DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 8, 2022
- 1 min
5 Strategies to Get Better in Bed: Sleep with Other Men for Practice
“Babe, you have to understand, I slept with her for you!” Too often do girls hear these words from their faithful, loving, handsome...
The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2022
- 1 min
It’s not a “self-care” day, you’re just single
DURHAM, NC—Isabel Solita (Trinity ‘25) got a manicure, put on an avocado sheet mask, and thought to herself—why am I so desperately...
The Fluke News Staff
- Jan 30, 2022
- 1 min
How to get you and your mom tickets to the Sigma Freud mixer
THE BARN—You’ve heard about it everywhere. From your lab partners to strangers in the line of shooters, even the geeds are talking about...
The Fluke News Staff
- Nov 14, 2021
- 2 min
ATO throws party, everyone feels safe, has fun
DURHAM, NC—Duke’s Alpha Tau Omega fraternity threw a party this weekend, and it was everything we’ve come to expect from one of their...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 27, 2021
- 1 min
In desperate last-ditch attempt to get laid, man paints nails black
DURHAM, NC—“I’ve tried everything,” sighed Michael James (T’ 23). Michael, who has even worn five-inch inseam shorts in an attempt to...
The Fluke News Staff
- Sep 22, 2021
- 2 min
“I found my people,” explains girl who changed her entire personality to fit in over zoom
DURHAM, NC—For Lauren Ziebler (Trinity ‘24), Bid Day provided a new home. “Even though I’d already met half of the sisters at Devine’s...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
Rapper Flo Centi knew she should have dreamed bigger with her name
Staring wistfully out the window in her Atlanta home, local rapper Flo Centi sighed deeply as she placed her head into her hands. “I knew...
The Fluke News Staff
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
How to use dating apps when you hate any photo a man chooses of himself
DURHAM, NC—Have you seen too many pictures that are more fish than man? Are you starting to think cargo pants might not be so bad? Do you...
The Fluke News Staff
- Mar 30, 2021
- 1 min
After watching “MONTERO” video, this heterosexual, women-loving Cru member has faith crisis
DURHAM, NC—Following a mention of the new Lil Nas X music video from his preacher, local cru member Jake had to see what all of the fuss...
The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2021
- 2 min
In honor of Black History Month, sororities' rush themes to include "hip-hop" and "ACAB" days
HOLLOWS A—A sorority sister wearing a “Systemic racism sucks” shirt and earrings reading “White solidarity” opens the door as “Sicko...
The Fluke News Staff
- Feb 14, 2021
- 2 min
Greek life asks all rushees to use "tú" in place of "usted" during informal rush
DURHAM, NC — This week, the Fluke News obtained an email sent out to male-identifying freshmen and sophomores about Greek Life’s informal...
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