SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH — Ozempic has taken the United States by storm. The promise of dropping tons of pounds has both celebrities and non-celebrities alike hopping onto the trend of taking the medicine intended to treat adults with type 2 diabetes. While some can afford medication with insurance, many find Ozempic financially unreachable. For this, a revolutionary alternative has been introduced under the name “Plebzempic.” Instead of a once-weekly injection, Plebzempic has a middle-aged woman follow you around throughout your day, commenting on your every decision without you asking.
In a clinical trial, researchers conducted a longitudinal study on overworked patients susceptible to mobile ordering junk food. With Plebzempic, each person is matched with a middle-aged almond mom instructed to give patients harsh, passive-aggressive comments of disapproval. Sample phrases include: “you are not hungry, you are just bored” and “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!” Optimal output should make the participant think, Why is she looking at me with such disgust? In clinical trials, the guilt stare mechanism of Plebzempic garnered a 90% efficiency rate of making participants put down the fork.
In another experiment, patients were tempted with bowls of Doritos and Oreos while watching a movie. Upon giving into any option, the researchers deployed the Plebzempic. The woman came in right behind the participants and screamed “FATTY” in their ears. This trial had a 95% efficacy rate. Some patients are reported to have broken down in tears, sobbing “You aren’t my mother.”
The cost of this treatment is relatively accessible; it only costs $500 a month, along with most of your dignity and privacy. Plebzempic assures that all middle-aged women used are sustainably sourced from the most pretentious neighborhoods to ensure effective treatment. While you may not have the fame or resources to get on Ozempic, Plebzempic offers a viable alternative. Side effects include headache, nausea, embarrassment, shame, and mommy issues.