CROUCHING UNDER A BENCH OUTSIDE WU—A brown bear has been spotted roaming around Duke University’s West Campus. Its current whereabouts are unknown, but there have been at least three confirmed kills. The administration has yet to make an official announcement. However, promises have been made to release the Duke Bear Response Plan shortly.
“We are keeping a close eye on the bear by ignoring its exact whereabouts,” commented Vice Provost Mary Pat McMahon. “If Harvard doesn’t shut down for bears, then we, as an Ivy-level institution, will not either.”
To accommodate the rising number of students fleeing West Campus, Duke has removed three C1 buses from service with plans to snipe another. Priority is being given to front line workers like weed plugs and men over six feet.
UPDATE: The bear has taken Il Forno.
Upon hearing that a bear is wreaking havoc in West Union, students are flocking to WU for a final taste of Panera Mac n’ Cheese. In the frontlines, the most unpopular Fluke News field reporter has been sacrificed for a statement from the bear: “Just trying to get rid of food points, man, you know how it is.”
Despite rising maul numbers, McMahon has assured the student population: “We are proud to keep our campus open in spite of the bear eating four freshmen and starting on a fifth. We would like to emphasize to each and every one of our students that they are expendable for the sake of our public image.”