Biden drops out, of a coconut tree and forgets the context from which he came

SOMEWHERE ON AN ISLAND FAR, FAR AWAY— President Joseph Biden has come tumbling down a 40-foot coconut tree as reported last night by local coconut tree support units. The head trauma for President Biden shows no further impairment of his mental capacities than normal. In the tropical paradise of Democratic disillusion, Biden rests where the fear-mongering cries of Project 2025 cannot be hear

d over peaceful waves. The former president sits disheveled at the base of the tree, gently kissing a crumpled photo of Barack Obama as he stares longingly to the sea. 

Just how did President Biden end up here? Let’s start with the context from which he came. President Biden has been marooned within the receding tide of the MAGA tsunami. 

For the Democratic Party, panicking in the sinking post-Roe ship of American politics, they had few options in the disarray. Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly attempted a rescue mission via submarine, but the drowning senators thought a submarine wouldn’t connect with ‘middle of the way’ voters and instead remained in the agreeable and sturdy wooden ship of the old Democratic establishment. With the post Trump indictment wind in their sails, they were hopeful to stay on course to mildly appease a slim majority of a dissatisfied electorate.  

For many Democrats, this governmental gondola was insulated by the idea that ‘not being Trump’ was a solid enough sternum to keep them afloat. Many on board were in denial of the sinking ship. One passenger, when asked about the sinking status of the ship, warned, “Don’t talk about the hole in the ship. It only helps the other ships get ahead, so we better not mention that this ship is having a hard time formulating basic sentences and remembering names.” The source chose to remain anonymous at the time of this publication. 

Yet, another presidential victory for President Biden proved to be a heat-addled mirage in the distance that evaporated after the ice cold wake-up presidential debate this June. The steady logic knotted around the “not Trump” platform began to fray as the winds whipped faster. 

This ‘not Trump’ logic, created in a place far, far away from the lived experience of many American voters, was starting to sink. Minority caucus leaders Senator Jeffries and even VP Kamala Harris were spotted escaping the 2025 monsoon on a paddle raft. Much like Jack and Rose from Titanic, the paddle boat was too heavy for all the escapees; Biden was flung out with by the surviving Democrats on the lifeboat at a velocity that led to the coconut tree incident reported as of last night. 

Since then, President Biden has been spotted shooting flare guns into the sky and spelling out HELP with kelp in hopes passing aerial units can spot him.

“It’s a public beach,” reports local lifeguard Larry T. Lancaster, “we’ve told him he’s like a 20 minute walk from Daytona. But he isn’t bothering anyone, so we’re like, I guess we can just keep him there. Who does it hurt, right?” 

The question remains: will tossing Biden out of the life raft save the ship, or tear the rip in the raft even wider?

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