BREAKING: Contact tracer loses job because you don’t have any friends. Loser.

DURHAM, NC—Despite a rise in Covid cases, contact tracer Jim Mahomes was let go last week after not being able to find a single person you’ve ever socially interacted with, you fucking loser. After you half-lied and said you’ve only interacted with your mother (which I have on numerous occasions) in the past two weeks, Mahomes was forced to do his own research into who you’ve actually been in contact with.


“It was absolutely fascinating” said Mahomes, “Not only do they have zero Instagram followers, but everyone they follow has blocked them entirely as well. I did a quick google search and found out the FBI has a warrant out for their arrest for being so incredibly unlikeable and ugly that their existence is literally a national security threat greater than any terrorist cell or foreign entity.”


Honestly even the thought of you sitting in your crusty, slimy chair, munching on deep fried Cheetos and re-watching Grey’s Anatomy for the seventh time makes me sick. On the bright side, you’re so repugnant and unlovable that Covid won’t want to stick around in your pitiful respiratory system for much longer. Loser.



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