DURHAM, NC—The Fluke Unit of the Chronically Knowledgeable (FUCK)––the Fluke News’s anonymous sources in Duke Student Government––recently found that the Duke University Marriage Pact is a ruse created by the Duke University Police Departement to find out which students are running red lights.
“No matter what you do, don’t put ‘7’ for the answer about running a red light. Don’t do it,” relayed one of our sources. According to their statement, the entire marriage pact was created so DUPD could make more arrests.
“None of this is real, there are no matches. We were able to contact the straight male students in time, but everyone else is at risk,” they reported.
The Fluke News is doing everything in our power to publish this before the matches go out, but who knows how long it will be before DUPD is knocking on our office’s (virtual) doors.