Breaking: The students playing spikeball on the quad are paid actors


DURHAM, NC—It’s impossible to miss. Every time you try to walk to WU or go to class, they’re there. Always wearing masks, rarely wearing shirts. Some of the most generic, happy looking students.


But are they a little too generic?


As our reporters recently discovered, the answer is yes. Alongside initiatives to rename social distancing to “physical distancing,” Duke has hired local actors to pretend it’s possible to make friends while adhering to social distancing policies.


We reached out to one of the actors, who preferred to stay anonymous out of fear of the administration:


“It’s exhausting. We have to have at least 3 people on at all times. My mouth cramps from the forced smiles. I fucking hate spikeball. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know why Duke can’t just admit it’s hard to make friends in a pandemic.”


Additionally, he revealed that all of the couples in “healthy relationships” are being paid by CAPS.