DURHAM, NC—In a 5-4 vote, Duke CAPS decided to finally try to help the Duke student body improve their mental health in a monumental, first-of-its-kind decision.
Their solution to surging rates of mental illness on campus? Lobotomies, to be performed by pre-med students under the guidance of Chris Roy, former pre-med advisor.
When asked about their new policy, CAPS Director Sukit Upp said, “We anticipate a sharp decline in rates of reported depression and anxiety on campus. We also hope that this new service will alleviate overpopulation and housing shortages.”
Gina Ferr (Pratt ‘23), the first student to undergo a CAPS lobotomy, said, “The experience was honestly pretty good. Chris Roy was really attentive and caring, and they even threw in a thirteenth free therapy session for me. The experience was honestly pretty good. Chris Roy was really attentive and–”
Gina Ferr is now receiving ongoing monitoring by Roy. In other news, Panera has a special new pink smoothie on their menu.