DURHAM, NC—Chronicle columnist Ben Wyatt, infamous around campus for his controversial Conservative-leaning articles and opinions, has recently been seen reminding people about his most controversial articles in an urgent attempt to attract needed attention.
“Remember that one time I defended John Bolton, and the whole school was talking about it? Do you remember that?” Wyatt asked frantically, feeling his life-force draining from him.
“Or what about that time I argued we needed more conservative teachers in the classroom? Do you remember how mad people got?” Wyatt asked, voice shaking and tears starting to stream down his face.
Unfortunately, the typical liberal commentators that Wyatt received his needed attention from have moved on from anger over his column as they instead organize protests on campus issues.
In a desperate attempt to relive his glory days, Wyatt is planning to publish an article defending Medicare For All so that his conservative readers will lash out at him. Maybe that will make him feel something again.