DURHAM, N.C.—Tension grew in the Durham City Hall last Tuesday evening after a small but vocal minority of conservative council members garnered enough support to pass a resolution banning Duke and Durham’s bus tracking app, TransLoc.
Councilman Roy Bolton Jr. addressed the chamber after the resolution survived a slim majority vote. “It is time for Durham to stand up against the woke mob,” Bolton explained. “I’m sick and tired of the city and its they/them parks, its LGTBBQ restaurants, and its nonbinary shopping centers. Now they’re trying to make the buses transgender and whatnot. Well, I say it’s gone too far. Riddle me this, liberals: if the buses are transgender then why don’t they arouse me? Why doesn’t my wife say I love you anymore?” Bolton proceeded to cough violently into his handkerchief.
City residents and Duke students shouldn’t expect their transportation routes to be disrupted for too long. The city’s “cyber-team” is hard at work designing a replacement app which will be known as CisLoc. Developer Ansley Crenshaw gave us a progress update. “Things are going a little slowly since we’re designing the app in R Studio, and the Internet Explorer browser keeps freezing, but CisLoc should be up and running in the next couple of years!” It seems that many of us will be up and running to get to work and classes on time for these next few months.