Div Cafe closed: What does God eat now?


WEST CAMPUS—With Div Cafe closed, God has nothing to eat. And those tummy rumbles really hit different when they each cause a vengeful seraph to appear over the skies of Jerusalem.


When a mortal misses their baked oatmeal, the only thing ruined is their day. When God doesn’t get to chew those pillowy, brown-sugared grains, the thing ruined is the eastern seaboard. That’s right: the series of hurricanes currently menacing the American Southeast are not the result of simple climate change, but instead the natural end result of God’s massive temper tantrum upon realizing that no other campus location sells Vickie’s brand chips.


Given the obvious godly wrath we as a society are being subjected to (plague, storms, false prophets in the form of new Executive Vice Presidents), the solution seems as simple as it is necessary: reopen div cafe so that God can once more gorge on tomato soup while pretending to do His GSF reading.


Until then, Satan is doing quite well for himself in Pitchforks.