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Duke raises tuition to provide every puppy kindergartener with a brand new iPad

DURHAM, N.C.—Looks like it’ll be time to play “Poodle Jump” and “Angry Barks” for some of our favorite campus canines! This week, every single Duke Puppy Kindergartener will be provided with an iPad Pro (5th Generation with Magic Keyboard and Apple Pencil).

You might be wondering why our four-legged friends would be in need of such advanced technology. Assistant Psychology Department Chair Amy Cornlick reassured us that “this is all for very important research.” Unfortunately, the iPads will need to be regularly resupplied due to the puppies’ constant biting and soiling of the tablets, so the University has implemented a slight raise in tuition to accommodate this brave feat of science.

“I’ve always want— I mean, Nestle has always wanted a brand new iPad, so this is very exciting,” explained research assistant Devon Hines. “It’s not every day that the University pays for your— the puppy’s tablets.”

Students protesting the tuition increase have been labeled “dog haters” and “cat people,” so we recommend never voicing your concerns because you might be perceived as weird and problematic. If you’re excited about the puppies’ new tech, then check out the group that meets behind the Bryan Center dumpster at 10 p.m. on Tuesdays, who have begun betting on which puppy will learn how to use Snapchat first.



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