UNIVERSITY STORE—When he donned his Duke sweatshirt Tuesday, Andrew Astor III could feel a weight being lifted off his shoulders. “It was time I showed my true self.”
Like many rich white men at Duke, Andrew has felt excluded by the “homogenous culture of diversity” present on campus.
“People like me,” sighs Andrew woefully while covertly glancing at the stocks app, “we can’t be ourselves. We have to pretend to be liberal and respect women to fit in.”
Andrew anxiously twists his Rolex as he recounts the moment he knew he had to come out: “I gagged while trying to clasp my pearl necklace, which made my eyes water, so I went to rub them, only to get wet, black nail polish in them.” Andrew says he tried to go to the ER but could not figure out how to lace his new Doc Martens. “That’s another thing,” interjects Andrew, “the combat-style boots are proof the woke mob is already dressing for war against nonconformers like myself.”
Rather than be seen not conforming, Andrew settled for a frat-home remedy. “I blindly felt around for an Advil, only to grab a leftover roofie from the good days,” comments a wistful Andrew. “When I came to, I knew I needed to squash this lie I was living.”
Since reverting back to his previous style of Duke sweatshirts and button-ups, Andrew reports he’s been noticing others follow suit. “It’s like everyone wears them now. I never noticed that before, so I must be the reason why.”
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