DUKE CAMPUS—Duke Student Affairs released a statement renaming their annual Parents Weekend to Grandparents Weekend following the substantial increase of pregnancies across the Duke student body. With Student Health being overrun with cases of the Freshman Plague, they have not been able to schedule necessary contraceptive appointments, increasing rates of unprotected sex and pregnancy.
“I tried calling four times,” explained student Ashley Anderson, “but there’s only one nurse practitioner that can prescribe birth control, and she’s booked until after Winter Break.”
When reached for comment, Duke Student Health asserted that they have been doing their best to mitigate unprotected sex on campus. “We’ve handed out condoms and lube and sponsored those PASH articles in The Chronicle. What more do you want?”
Additionally, Duke has updated the programming for this weekend to include the talk “How to Break the Cycle: Helicopter Parenting” and a Design-Your-Own-Duke-Onesie event by the Chapel.