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Duke to demolish east campus dorms so freshmen finally talk about about something else

EAST CAMPUS—After a long two months of this year's freshman class talking about nothing other than which dorm they live in, administration has finally decided to take action. HRL announced earlier this week that they will be demolishing all residence halls on East Campus, aiming to encourage freshmen to find another icebreaker.

“We noticed that it was pretty much all they were talking about”, said an HRL administrator who asked to be left anonymous. “Duke is all about reaching out of one’s comfort zone, and we hope this will help push the Class of 2026 to find another thing to complain about.”

While there are some glaring issues with just doing away with all the freshman dorms, HRL has already proposed several solutions, including encouraging the students to move off campus. “We figure that if we can get the upperclassmen to live off campus, why can’t we make the freshmen do this same? There’s plenty of housing around here, I assume,” said the same HRL administrator.

More broadly, Duke is also making changes to get rid of other overused and bland icebreakers. Calling the move “a brave new step in QuadEx’s journey,” Vice Provost Mary Pat McMahon was spotted standing over the rubble of Brown Residence Hall making declarations over a loudspeaker. “Majors are kind of outdated anyway, so those are probably next on the chopping block”, she added. “We’re not sure how to address the hometown problem but we’re looking into that too.”

HRL has begun sending out infographics detailing some alternative icebreakers for students to use instead, including “Who did you hook up with during O-week?”, “How much money does your dad make?”, and “What medications are you on?”



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