Duke to drop SAT/ACT requirements, will now just judge students on net worth

DURHAM, NC—Following in the steps of the University of California, Duke has joined the new movement to waive the SAT/ACT requirement, deciding to instead focus on what truly matters: net worth.

“What’s the point anymore? Everyone knows our reliance on test scores is a coded way to measure wealth. There’s a reason the test prep industry exists: to keep the elite, elite. It gets so exhausting pretending to care about actual merit,” President Price explained in a recent interview. “We just want your money. We just want the same one hundred families to control the majority of the wealth in the country. God, it feels so good to finally say that out loud.”

“This is a move towards transparency. You all knew this was happening. We figured it was time to start telling the truth,” he continued.

When asked about the decision’s relation to the current crisis, Price replied: “What crisis? Oh shit, that’s right. You can’t take standardized tests right now. Yes, this was definitely because of the pandemic.”