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Duke to release new SymMon dating feature for students with similar symptoms

DURHAM, NC—In an email leaked by the Dean of Pratt’s son, Duke Provost Sally Kornbluth announced an update to the SymMon app.

Kornbluth writes that they are proud to announce a new dating feature: Duke students will be allowed to swipe on those with the same symptoms. Age and class year will be listed on the profile in order to protect those Sophomore girls who are deathly afraid of hooking up with a freshman. The student’s dorm will also be listed, so that you never have to kiss someone from Edens. Only those students who have been recently pool tested for coronavirus will be able to message first.

According to the email, dating apps like Tinder and Hinge contributed to 17% of new Covid-19 cases and 83% of new chlamydia cases. When Duke previously attempted to remedy this by removing the ability to order free condoms online, student health had reported a significant increase in the number of positive Herpes cases in seniors and freshman girls.

In order to control this outbreak, Duke is launching several other new initiatives. These included an updated Duke compact, three reusable condoms, and an emergency Z pack. Furthermore, the SymMon app will include new symptoms for students to report such as rash, excessive discharge, and foul smell. Post symptom check, each student will be supplied with a Clear for work, class, lab, or navy sheet covered bed.

For those in quarantine, Duke will be supplying full PPE (personal pleasure experiences).



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