Duke vows to “pop caps” in mental illness


Durham, NC—As part of the university’s plan to combat mental illness on campus, a Duke University official vehemently stated that the school intends to “pop caps” in mental illness.


“We need to attack this issue in every possible way,” commented Director of Undergraduate Wellness Ezra Schelp. “They say sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. Well, we tried words, and it didn’t hurt the recent surge in anxiety and depression. Now it’s time for the sticks and stones. And guns.”


When asked specifically what the plan entailed, Schelp responded, “we are just trying to create the safest environment possible for our students. And anyone or anything standing in the way of that will be dealt with.” We reached out for further clarification, to which Schelp assured us, “t.h.a.t. is an acronym.” He would not say what it stood for.


We reached out to Schelp again and a timely visit to the mindfulness workshop in the west campus Oasis room, “really mellowed [him] out.”