PERKINS LIBRARY—For a student, becoming an elephant may seem advantageous, what with the personal trunk and ability to never forget. But when local elephant, Mr. Horton, found himself in the middle of a Perkins group study at 12 AM, it was anything but easy.
Mr. Horton’s arrival was prompted by Pari Peone (Trinity ‘26), who expressed concerns to her roommate, Ruth Ginger (Trinity ‘26) about a lack of responses to Pari’s texts. Ruth reportedly has been busy with midterms, but other sources, such as Pari’s ability to read the room, suggest other factors may be at play.
Mr. Horton was swiftly subpoenaed to the study room.
While Mr. Horton is rarely acknowledged, he has recently been overbooked, likely due to the stress of midterm season and the end of the freshman honeymoon period. Subsequently, Mr. Horton’s full-time position at the Ringling Brother’s mechanic shop has been under duress, cutting into his time at home. Insider sources report Mrs. Horton has put him in the dog house.
While Mr. Horton declined comment at this time, we got a porch-side comment from the dog: “Leave Mr. Horton here alone. Everybody wants to address the elephant in the room, but none of y’all actually do anything about it.”
Local copy cat added, “That's what I said.”
Despite Mr. Horton’s appearance in Perkins, reports suggest that Ruth and Pari are still at odds, as Pari has stopped texting Ruth all together.
It’s discouraging for Mr. Horton, after a long day of trying to resolve the issue. For Mr. Horton, constantly having to address the issues—whether it’s unread text messages or dirty clothes on the floor—may be worth the time-commitment, if only someone actually did something, too. Mr. Horton has been unreachable for comment as of this publication.
We reached out to Mr. Horton’s constituents, and the birds expressed their sincerest concerns. The bees have no comment.
While Mr. Horton’s circumstances shouldn’t be undermined, it could be worse. Stay tuned for updates on the homicide involving two birds and a singular stone.