WEST CAMPUS—With Parents’ Weekend coming up and grass costs rising astronomically, Duke has made the difficult decision to fire all current faculty.
“We just can’t afford it anymore,” explained Provost Sally Kornbluth. “Between funding the tent parties—I mean DUU—and paying for half a bar of wifi for all of campus, we are simply running out of money. The faculty seemed like the most expendable part of the University.”
With this decision coming midway through fall semester, many students have been left to wonder who will replace their beloved professors.
“I’m just going to miss Professor Carnes and his eyebrow piercing so much,” said a teary Kate Greene (Trinity ‘24).
In a comforting email, President Vincent Price calmed the fears of students by announcing that all faculty would be replaced by a series of guest lecturers.
“We figured out that you can just ask random people to be guest lecturers, and they’ll say yes. We’re going to be saving so much money. Some parent was like, ‘who exactly are these lecturers?’ And I was like, ‘Idk, some dude.’ Genius. Literally genius. While we’re at it, let’s start making CAPS pay us,” Price remarked.