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Feinstein staffers assure public they can still put a hand up her ass and make her mouth move

WASHINGTON—California Senator Dianne Feinstein, best known for being wheeled around and propped up during Senate votes–as well as her contributions to the gay rights movement– passed away in her home on Thursday night. Feinstein leaves behind a Senate embroiled in a debate over pant length and a squad of grieving but passionate advisors.

“Though Senator Feinstein’s passing is certainly ill-timed and unfortunate, we cannot emphasize enough how little this changes,” Senior Counselor John Watts said. “It will be business as usual here.”

Despite skepticism that “the human body doesn’t really work like that” and general concern from users of the site formerly known as Twitter about the crumbling state of American politics, Feinstein’s team assured voters that this form of participation will be largely consistent with Feinstein’s work from the last year or so.

When asked if Americans should worry that the larger part of their government is run by half-embalmed meat puppets with active Donepezil prescriptions, Mitch McConnell made an “o” shape with his mouth as though he was trying to speak, but he did not make any noise until his staffers interpreted: “He means no.”



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